People. What?
It's late night and I was thinking about making new friends. A thought that has occurred a million times before. Now, I wonder why? It is not like I'm not happy with the ones already around me. Bad times come and go in everyones life. Things go out of control at times, but not everything is perfect, now is it? Relationships are meant to go through tough times. I think this is the scariest part of it all.
The moment I make close friends, snap. The next, I just want to move on. By that of course I don't mean my relationship with people doesn't last long, but if I have hard times with someone even for a brief period of time, I would just rather let go. I'm thinking. Still thinking, why am I so scared of facing shit as it comes. The option I choose is a selfish one. Or is it really? Of course it's selfish. I'm running away. I'm a coward. Or am I? Truth be told, I don't know. And over many years of pondering, I'm now tired to do anymore philosophical thinking. My brain has started functioning on it's own, and everything's going haywire. I don't know why I don't want to know why I'm a 'coward' or why I'm running away.
Because it's the easy path.
Now that I lay in solitude, in darkness and in complete silence, I think I can give it a shot. HURRAY. Time to think 'why?'.
My childhood has been scarred by some of the most horrific memories of which just a few know. I matured at a time when children would be watching baby looney toons. Instead, I would be watching national geographic-the evolution of mankind intrigued me the most. I was surrounded by people who were much consumed within their own lives and no, I do not blame them for that. Life has its ups and downs. They had their 'down' days going on and I absolutely don't blame them for not considering what impact it would leave on me.
Huge.
I'm now a coward. And the option I would opt for is running away. I can't be close to anyone because I want change. I don't trust, because I'm so scared.
I'm scared of people. Scared of getting too close that even the thought of separation is unbearable.
And then I make a huge mess. I ruin everything. I, then, runaway from the mess I create and choose to let go instead of fixing it.
No, it's just not the way it is.
I know there are people out there who are like me, making the same mistakes. Don't.
I know I've suffered a lot but I know at a point I will become resistant to pain. I don't want that. I want to know how it feels because it is then only that I'm able to know what happiness is. These people I run away from are the reason for my happiness.
Maybe if I keep counting my blessings, which they sure are, will I understand that there is not only one option for me. But many.
I maybe scared of people, but I'm much more scared that what if it goes on this way...
