We're born alone. We live alone. We die alone.

We live in a world of different sorts of people, many of whom we can't trust. We live in a world where nothing is our own but... there is this place, a place we believe is our sanctuary... our home. Or is it really?

Sometimes we have everything and yet nothing. My perspective about family is somewhat similar. I have it. Yet, I don't even have it. Today I felt so lonely, almost hopeless. Almost as if there was no one to look up to and nowhere to go to. Whenever I was disillusioned by people I would look up to my family thinking, well, at least these people would always be there for me at every step. Today I realized this was not so. We're always alone no matter what happens. Family members are just like any other normal human being. Just like every one of those who kept on disillusioning me, making me lose faith in humanity. These people are just... just like them. Just like how the world is. And just one of those reasons why life becomes hard at times.

I kept quiet all the time thinking that because they were my family, I was not supposed to say anything but just accept what they did. Now, nothing made sense.

I was sick of being quite. I was sick of all the lies. I was sick of taking all blame. I was sick of everyone.

I hate lying and I hate liars. What makes it more difficult is when people lie right in front of my eyes and I’m just standing there unable to utter even a single word. Who would believe me when I’m surrounded by so many liars especially when it’s one of my own family members? What could I do? Honestly, there is not much that could be done.

It broke my heart and it made me cry because I would never expect something like that from my family, at least.

This is what I learnt and this is what I want everyone to know. Keep your expectations low. ‘Family members’ are not special people. They are just people and they would hurt us too. Do not depend on them. Be strong enough to stand on your own feet. Be your own companion. We don’t need anybody in our life to hold us when we’re falling. If we have the will to be there for ourselves, we’ll have the power to deal with all sorts of people.

Keeping expectations low does not mean we change our behavior towards them. This is what I did. Even when it would hurt the most to see them lie about me, I would smile at them. Even when it would hurt the most to be blamed for things I didn’t do, I would silently accept and apologize for it. This is how it should be. Just remember, we don’t need anyone but God.

 

And let’s face it, He’s always there too.
That's the way it is.

The Great Fear

People. What? 

It's late night and I was thinking about making new friends. A thought that has occurred a million times before. Now, I wonder why? It is not like I'm not happy with the ones already around me. Bad times come and go in everyones life. Things go out of control at times, but not everything is perfect, now is it? Relationships are meant to go through tough times. I think this is the scariest part of it all. 

The moment I make close friends, snap. The next, I just want to move on. By that of course I don't mean my relationship with people doesn't  last long, but if I have hard times with someone even for a brief period of time, I would just rather let go. I'm thinking. Still thinking, why am I so scared of facing shit as it comes. The option I choose is a selfish one. Or is it really? Of course it's selfish. I'm running away. I'm a coward. Or am I? Truth be told, I don't know. And over many years of pondering, I'm now tired to do anymore philosophical thinking. My brain has started functioning on it's own, and everything's going haywire. I don't know why I don't want to know why I'm a 'coward' or why I'm running away. 

Because it's the easy path.

Now that I lay in solitude, in darkness and in complete silence, I think I can give it a shot. HURRAY. Time to think 'why?'. 

My childhood has been scarred by some of the most horrific memories of which just a few know. I matured at a time when children would be watching baby looney toons. Instead, I would be watching national geographic-the evolution of mankind intrigued me the most. I was surrounded by people who were much consumed within their own lives and no, I do not blame them for that. Life has its ups and downs. They had their 'down' days going on and I absolutely don't blame them for not considering what impact it would leave on me. 

Huge. 

I'm now a coward. And the option I would opt for is running away. I can't be close to anyone because I want change. I don't trust, because I'm so scared. 

I'm scared of people. Scared of getting too close that even the thought of separation is unbearable. 

And then I make a huge mess. I ruin everything. I, then, runaway from the mess I create and choose to let go instead of fixing it. 

No, it's just not the way it is. 

I know there are people out there who are like me, making the same mistakes. Don't. 

I know I've suffered a lot but I know at a point I will become resistant to pain. I don't want that. I want to know how it feels because it is then only that I'm able to know what happiness is. These people I run away from are the reason for my happiness. 

Maybe if I keep counting my blessings, which they sure are, will I understand that there is not only one option for me. But many. 

I maybe scared of people, but I'm much more scared that what if it goes on this way...

Mr. One and Only

So here I am, writing after a long long time as I lay in bed, wondering about the not so important things in life. One of them being my 'Prince Charming'. Ok, so first of all, I don't go along with this cliche. I do not want a prince charming. Yes, seriously I don't.

Why? Well because I'm sure he would be stuck up about himself and I'm not the prince charming typr anyways.
So the kind of guy I want, the guy I want to spend my life with...Aahh. I don't have the capacity of writing all of it because I'm sure there's too much I want him to be like but I'll just mention the most important stuff.
Ok so firstly, let me tell all you potential husbands out there, I am a very moody girl. Very spoilt. Very pampered. So I like attention. Yup, all heed on me. I have my mood swings often so beware.

Waittttt. Bad start I guess. I know I sound all so demanding and all, because for an average girl like me (Just being modest. True story) I shouldn't be having that many demands but my 'demands' aren't much of demands. They are just certain things I wish for in a guy.
For example, As I mentioned earlier that I don't want a prince charming-that's true. I don't want the perfect guy. I want an average guy out there whose imperfectness would be no match for anything else.
He should be tall. Well, yeah. He should be smart. I hate guys who act blonde. What a turn off. Guys aren't supposed to be blonde. That is just ridiculous. My guy should love me. And by that, it doesn't mean that he secretively sends me 'I love you' messages on text or facebook inbox, but rather he should show it in front of everyone. Ofcourse I'm not asking for anything related to Public Display of Affection (PDA) but I don't want a guy who would be scared to tell people that he loves me. Also, I want him to do little special things because they mean a lot.

Those little special things include buying me cute presents frequently. Well, atleast once a few months! :(
I love gifts! Be it whatever it is. I just love gifts and presents. What I love more is if a lot of effort is made onto it. Like, I love handmade cards. Totally a turn on. Or maybe a handmade dish.
I love food.

I want my guy to be funny. But not mean. By no means should he hit me, instead he should protect me from everyone else. I'm already extremely weak and I get annoyed if anyone hits me. I want my guy to live a decent life. He must NOT smoke. At all! He should be responsible. He should not be a miser.
Damn I hate misers. And he should pay for me most of the times. HELL YEAH, FOLLOWING THE TRADITIONAL WAYS.
Back to the little things, he should keep me happy. I don't want him to buy me cars (please do if you can afford it) but I want him to put in a lot of effort. I'm a person who gives in everything for someone and obviously I expect the same back.

Like, I don't want him to be all childish regarding things, making excuses all the time. I hate excuses. Just man up and be real.

A real turn off for a woman is when her guy backs out on her. Please don't. Also, be the one who your girl will find support in, not vice versa!

Okay yeah thats about it. Atleast the important part of it.
Cya!

EEEEPPPP CANT WAIT FOR MY GUY. 

Iris-Cover by Lylaa Shaikh and Haider Bakhtiari

Well, a few months back I performed in a gig in my college.
One hell of a crazy day it was. The day of the performance, I had an asthma attack and I was almost unable to sing. That same day, another singer lost his voice, and I had to accomodate for his song. Crazy, right?
All of us were freaking out, because what was meant to turn out to be amazing might just turn out to be something disastrous. Oh well. I had to suck in my whines, and deal with my asthma. My friend took me over to her place and made me nebulize until I wasnt okay. 


In the end that night did turn out to be an amazing one. :)
I performed a couple of songs, one of them being Iris which Haider Bakhtiari and I covered. Hope you enjoy it. Give in your feedback as well. 
Cheers!

Gibberish.

Life is complicated, hard to understand and comprehend. Takes a second to flip from one side to another. We go through many upturns, which at times make no sense at all.

From being happy, to sad, to angry, to confused and what not.
Life takes us at huge upheavals, turning everything upside down. What should one do then? There comes one point when one just wants to kill everyone.. when one just hates everything. What to do then?

Life gets really dark and tough. Everything seems as if its falling apart. When you feel hopeless and helpless. When you have no where to go, no one to run to, no one to talk to, no one to confide in.

Hello, world.

This is where I am living in. In a world full of people.. people who would hug me, love me, and smile at me. I look at them and wonder, how can everything be so perfect? But when I turn away, these people.. these very people would act as strangers.

This is where YOU all are living in.

Family, Friends.. these relationships will never last. Talk about hoping for relationships lasting for eternity, because lets face it, they never do.
People of this world are selfish and cruel. They will laugh at you, make fun of you and crush you down. They will break you, do everything to hurt you.


My feelings are empty. My emotions are confused. All my life, all I've ever done is try to be a good person to everyone. Is it wrong to expect them to do the same for me?

Haha, maybe I expect way too much.

I dont want it to be the way it is. I want it different. I want it good. I have nowhere to go, no one to run to, BUT THEY ALL DO. Not complaining. Not complaining.

The moment i'm going through is when I want all faces away from me. I want to be in solitude but I dont like being in solitude.
I want it all, and I want it good. I want to be selfish too, this is MY life and I want to be happy.

How would you like living in a moment when you suddenly realize how much you've lost? People say be grateful for what you have. Fine. But is it wrong to just feel bad about what you've lost?
I dont want to be grateful for what I have, cause I dont have anything that has made me happy, or made me smile.

People around me are fake. Everything they say to me is a lie. People I've met are wrong. All they do is hurt me.
Im not going to sit in a corner and cry about it. Know why? Cause why cry for those who dont deserve it.

Since I have nothing to lose anymore, I'll sit down and look at this world play its selfish acts.

11thAugust'11-Nightmare turned to a dream come true.

Yeah. WOOHOO. Made it to the highest achievers list. Should I call it a dream come true? Well, maybe.
According to me I don't really have that an awe-inspiring result in my Olevels, but whatever it is, am thankful for it. 3A*s 4As and 2Bs.

Satisfying much.

Result day was two days back, the most dreaded day EVER. The feelings are a bit complexed because as much as everybody was curious to know their results, they were scared as well, thinking they might've screwed up their Olevels. I was pretty chill until 12 hours before the day itself, and thats when I broke up into tears. I didnt show my frustration to my friends that much because they were themselves so stressed out thinking they'd end up with 'D's' or 'U's' and all the worst possible grades.

When the day arrived itself, heartbeats grew faster and so did tention. I told all my bestfriends to let me know their results. I was awake the whole night, excitement and adrenaline rushed deep inside! Outside I was quite, but inside I was screaming out for help, to end this nightmare, and to quickly get over this phase.
The first message I got was from a friend, and also my student who I taught Islamiyat. 7 am and a good news arises with a friend getting 4A*s and 5As. WOW! Called him up. Never had I been so proud of him then that day. I was so exhaulted and happy for him!
Gradually more good news came in. Even the friend who expected straight Us managed to get good grades. I congratulated each and every one of them. Never had I been proud of them all.

The point was that I was happy. For my friends. YES I WAS.
Few hours later I got to know mine as well. I was a bit down, because I hadnt expected to get a B and that too in Economics. Oh well. Thats just the way it was meant to be.

Came home, was a bit low. Called up dad. Told him my result.
His reaction was so different than from what I had expected. Well I knew he would be happy, but THAT happy? Whoa.
My facebook wall was flooded with congratualtions, status had a gazillion likes and then the 'congratulations' never ended. People congratulated me over chat, text messages, calls and what not. Yea yea, 7As wow.
I still expected more from me. Not just 7As.

I was still upset.. The next day, today,  I wokeup with a call from a friend screaming out congratulations and yelling how she had seen my name on the newspaper.
Newspaper? What? MY NAME?
I wokeup with a sudden shock and gasped and started jumping in excitement. Yeah, I was in the high achievers list. AWESOME!

I couldnt have been more happy in my life then this day. Today was this day.
Obviously I had to flaunt about it, so put a status on facebook. ;)
Even my mum put up a status saying how proud she was of me.

I logged on msn and started telling all my closest friends (of who's result I was proud of too) but the reaction I got was a simple, 'yeah, so?' 'big deal' and a ':|'.

Im not complaining here. I dont even need to. I know it shouldn't matter to me what others think, but those people aren't just 'others'. When it was my turn, I was really happy for them. But when its the same for those guys, they're just 'okay' about it. This extremely put me down. Yet again, I got upset. Its just that sometimes I expect too much from people, and in return get disappointed. Well.. whatever. It doesnt matter. Dont be nice to me, I wont be nice to you. Hmph.


AND OMG DID I JUST NOT MENTION ONCE AGAIN, IM ON THE HIGHEST ACHIEVERS LIST OH YEAH!



Oh yeah I'm getting a new laptop as a reward. OH YEAH!
Cya guys with another post soon. ;)

Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye?

Letting go people has never been an easy thing, and ofcourse its not. You lose people in the most varied ways. People die, people move long distances, or maybe sometimes little fights cause the separation, but what matters is the fact how much it hurts and how much we care.
I know, everyone of you might be thinking that yeah, this is a part of life. But is this fair? Ofcourse nothings fair ever and we gotta accept everything as it comes to us. THIS IS LIFE and THIS IS THE WAY IT HAS TO BE NO MATTER WHAT.
In this circle of life, we meet so many people. Just so many. Out of which, few become a part of our little world, and we accept them as our lovers, family, friends and what not. But theres this one person, who's not only your mom, or your sister, or your guardian, or your enemy, or your lover, but your BESTFRIEND too. They're the one. They're everything. From being family, to being an enemy, but all in all, being a best friend.
My bestfriend-Samar Haroon, is one in a million. There was a time when we were at the verge of literally killing eachother, but today we can give away our lives for eachother. Well atleast I would do that. ;) Haha.
She's that 5ft 11in tall girl, who walks like she owns the place, with her silky, long hair, her amazing, dazzling eyes, and the confidence that sets her apart, she is everything a girl would want to be. Ofcourse she is annoying at times too. Well A LOT. But its okay, you learn to go along with it.

True, has someone said, that you realize someones value only when they're gone. And in a day, my bestfriend's leaving for America. That one girl, who means the world to me, means more than family to me, and is my backbone, is leaving. Imagine letting go of a loved one and how hard it is. Nothing has ever hurt me more than the fact she is leaving. We both fight like crazy, indeed we do. Cursing at eachother and then promising to never ever talk again, but then in a few days time we're back together. As another one of our bestfriend, Sarah M, has said, 'You guys are like a married couple.' And funny it is, its kind of true.
I'll miss these little fights.

We used to rule our school. With her being the most dominating one, ofcourse. Whenever she said something, nobody argued because they knew eventually they would lose. Even I couldnt ever argue with her. It was just not in my hands to ever own an argument against her. Because she was always right.
I'll miss her 'I know everything' talks.

Being a leo, she was always bossy and still is. (Dont kill me for this, babe) but well, thats the way everyone loves her. She was never fake. Never lied. Never decieved. Was only the way she always was.
I hope you stay the same. :)

There is not a single thing that we haven't ever talked about. Late night calls with her were the best! So much gossip, just soooooo much. Sometimes being silent was everything we needed.
She knows me more than I know myself and she even knows exactly the way I would act in a certain situation. AH HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU FOR THAT, because it saves my god damn life always!

Samar Haroon, no matter how far away you go. No matter how long we don't get to meet, and no matter how much time we dont get to talk for, you should always know that I love you, and I always will. Because you are my bestfriend. And nobody could ever replace you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and having you in my life is something I would be thankful to God for every second of my life. I love you every second of my breathe, and I'll miss you every nano second of my life.

I love you. Stay the same forever. Much love,
Your crazy ass bestfriend,
Your lyls.
<3