The Great Fear

People. What? 

It's late night and I was thinking about making new friends. A thought that has occurred a million times before. Now, I wonder why? It is not like I'm not happy with the ones already around me. Bad times come and go in everyones life. Things go out of control at times, but not everything is perfect, now is it? Relationships are meant to go through tough times. I think this is the scariest part of it all. 

The moment I make close friends, snap. The next, I just want to move on. By that of course I don't mean my relationship with people doesn't  last long, but if I have hard times with someone even for a brief period of time, I would just rather let go. I'm thinking. Still thinking, why am I so scared of facing shit as it comes. The option I choose is a selfish one. Or is it really? Of course it's selfish. I'm running away. I'm a coward. Or am I? Truth be told, I don't know. And over many years of pondering, I'm now tired to do anymore philosophical thinking. My brain has started functioning on it's own, and everything's going haywire. I don't know why I don't want to know why I'm a 'coward' or why I'm running away. 

Because it's the easy path.

Now that I lay in solitude, in darkness and in complete silence, I think I can give it a shot. HURRAY. Time to think 'why?'. 

My childhood has been scarred by some of the most horrific memories of which just a few know. I matured at a time when children would be watching baby looney toons. Instead, I would be watching national geographic-the evolution of mankind intrigued me the most. I was surrounded by people who were much consumed within their own lives and no, I do not blame them for that. Life has its ups and downs. They had their 'down' days going on and I absolutely don't blame them for not considering what impact it would leave on me. 

Huge. 

I'm now a coward. And the option I would opt for is running away. I can't be close to anyone because I want change. I don't trust, because I'm so scared. 

I'm scared of people. Scared of getting too close that even the thought of separation is unbearable. 

And then I make a huge mess. I ruin everything. I, then, runaway from the mess I create and choose to let go instead of fixing it. 

No, it's just not the way it is. 

I know there are people out there who are like me, making the same mistakes. Don't. 

I know I've suffered a lot but I know at a point I will become resistant to pain. I don't want that. I want to know how it feels because it is then only that I'm able to know what happiness is. These people I run away from are the reason for my happiness. 

Maybe if I keep counting my blessings, which they sure are, will I understand that there is not only one option for me. But many. 

I maybe scared of people, but I'm much more scared that what if it goes on this way...

Mr. One and Only

So here I am, writing after a long long time as I lay in bed, wondering about the not so important things in life. One of them being my 'Prince Charming'. Ok, so first of all, I don't go along with this cliche. I do not want a prince charming. Yes, seriously I don't.

Why? Well because I'm sure he would be stuck up about himself and I'm not the prince charming typr anyways.
So the kind of guy I want, the guy I want to spend my life with...Aahh. I don't have the capacity of writing all of it because I'm sure there's too much I want him to be like but I'll just mention the most important stuff.
Ok so firstly, let me tell all you potential husbands out there, I am a very moody girl. Very spoilt. Very pampered. So I like attention. Yup, all heed on me. I have my mood swings often so beware.

Waittttt. Bad start I guess. I know I sound all so demanding and all, because for an average girl like me (Just being modest. True story) I shouldn't be having that many demands but my 'demands' aren't much of demands. They are just certain things I wish for in a guy.
For example, As I mentioned earlier that I don't want a prince charming-that's true. I don't want the perfect guy. I want an average guy out there whose imperfectness would be no match for anything else.
He should be tall. Well, yeah. He should be smart. I hate guys who act blonde. What a turn off. Guys aren't supposed to be blonde. That is just ridiculous. My guy should love me. And by that, it doesn't mean that he secretively sends me 'I love you' messages on text or facebook inbox, but rather he should show it in front of everyone. Ofcourse I'm not asking for anything related to Public Display of Affection (PDA) but I don't want a guy who would be scared to tell people that he loves me. Also, I want him to do little special things because they mean a lot.

Those little special things include buying me cute presents frequently. Well, atleast once a few months! :(
I love gifts! Be it whatever it is. I just love gifts and presents. What I love more is if a lot of effort is made onto it. Like, I love handmade cards. Totally a turn on. Or maybe a handmade dish.
I love food.

I want my guy to be funny. But not mean. By no means should he hit me, instead he should protect me from everyone else. I'm already extremely weak and I get annoyed if anyone hits me. I want my guy to live a decent life. He must NOT smoke. At all! He should be responsible. He should not be a miser.
Damn I hate misers. And he should pay for me most of the times. HELL YEAH, FOLLOWING THE TRADITIONAL WAYS.
Back to the little things, he should keep me happy. I don't want him to buy me cars (please do if you can afford it) but I want him to put in a lot of effort. I'm a person who gives in everything for someone and obviously I expect the same back.

Like, I don't want him to be all childish regarding things, making excuses all the time. I hate excuses. Just man up and be real.

A real turn off for a woman is when her guy backs out on her. Please don't. Also, be the one who your girl will find support in, not vice versa!

Okay yeah thats about it. Atleast the important part of it.
Cya!

EEEEPPPP CANT WAIT FOR MY GUY. 

Iris-Cover by Lylaa Shaikh and Haider Bakhtiari

Well, a few months back I performed in a gig in my college.
One hell of a crazy day it was. The day of the performance, I had an asthma attack and I was almost unable to sing. That same day, another singer lost his voice, and I had to accomodate for his song. Crazy, right?
All of us were freaking out, because what was meant to turn out to be amazing might just turn out to be something disastrous. Oh well. I had to suck in my whines, and deal with my asthma. My friend took me over to her place and made me nebulize until I wasnt okay. 


In the end that night did turn out to be an amazing one. :)
I performed a couple of songs, one of them being Iris which Haider Bakhtiari and I covered. Hope you enjoy it. Give in your feedback as well. 
Cheers!

Gibberish.

Life is complicated, hard to understand and comprehend. Takes a second to flip from one side to another. We go through many upturns, which at times make no sense at all.

From being happy, to sad, to angry, to confused and what not.
Life takes us at huge upheavals, turning everything upside down. What should one do then? There comes one point when one just wants to kill everyone.. when one just hates everything. What to do then?

Life gets really dark and tough. Everything seems as if its falling apart. When you feel hopeless and helpless. When you have no where to go, no one to run to, no one to talk to, no one to confide in.

Hello, world.

This is where I am living in. In a world full of people.. people who would hug me, love me, and smile at me. I look at them and wonder, how can everything be so perfect? But when I turn away, these people.. these very people would act as strangers.

This is where YOU all are living in.

Family, Friends.. these relationships will never last. Talk about hoping for relationships lasting for eternity, because lets face it, they never do.
People of this world are selfish and cruel. They will laugh at you, make fun of you and crush you down. They will break you, do everything to hurt you.


My feelings are empty. My emotions are confused. All my life, all I've ever done is try to be a good person to everyone. Is it wrong to expect them to do the same for me?

Haha, maybe I expect way too much.

I dont want it to be the way it is. I want it different. I want it good. I have nowhere to go, no one to run to, BUT THEY ALL DO. Not complaining. Not complaining.

The moment i'm going through is when I want all faces away from me. I want to be in solitude but I dont like being in solitude.
I want it all, and I want it good. I want to be selfish too, this is MY life and I want to be happy.

How would you like living in a moment when you suddenly realize how much you've lost? People say be grateful for what you have. Fine. But is it wrong to just feel bad about what you've lost?
I dont want to be grateful for what I have, cause I dont have anything that has made me happy, or made me smile.

People around me are fake. Everything they say to me is a lie. People I've met are wrong. All they do is hurt me.
Im not going to sit in a corner and cry about it. Know why? Cause why cry for those who dont deserve it.

Since I have nothing to lose anymore, I'll sit down and look at this world play its selfish acts.