I've always had a complex.. Inferiority complex about myself.
Inferiority Comple:A persistent sense of inadequacy or a tendency to self-diminishment, sometimes resulting in excessive aggressiveness through overcompensation.
In simple words, I always under estimated myself. I still do. Maybe. Trying not to. Its the only thing I never forget doing. At a party, rather saying 'I look awesome' I'd be saying, 'Dang, look at her. She's so pretty. Wish I was too..'
And then I would see my own best friends in front of me. All girly. Pretty. Beautiful. Awesome. With a perfect dimple, or a perfect smile, or their perfect bodies. Outside, I'd be proud to call them MY best friends. Inside, I'd be saying, 'Why did God make me so ugly?'
'I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows
I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
And I'm searching for the words inside my head
'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect..'-Avril Lavigne
The only words that I used to desribe myself were with UGLY, HIDEOUS, PATHETIC. Why so? Cause some jerks said, "Lylaa-Ew that ugly one?" I show as if I don't care, but I do. And so at that time, it hurt me. IT struck me hard. I felt bad and thought, really was I that bad? Some people would sneer on my face. Others would pass comments, or whisper right in front of me. "Uh, she's such a weirdo.. I dont even know what she looks like. UGLY, simple!"
I am not the girly type of a girl, who'd go for beauty creams or whatever. (Major Ew)
So, I wondered what was exactly wrong with me? I mean, was it cause I was not 'white' or I had a snubby nose? Or was it cause of my fatso lips? OR maybe I was too skinny.. WHAT EXACTLY WAS WRONG WITH ME!?
Ok so I tried changing myself. Bought the most expensive clothes, wore the best of everything. Still, never worked. Whenever I would see the perfect faces in front of me, it would only make me feel worser than ever.
But then one day, while reading a book (and I don't remember which one) I came across this line : Be yourself and don't care about anyone's shit. Never let them take you out alive!
Okay, helpful. Again, those pretty faces. God, it was torture. I would scream on the inside, yet there was always a smile on my face.
Ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly..
Then, there was this perfect, cute guy. Not cute. Okay! *Laughs*
So, there it was. My crush. He is the most awesomest person alive.
'You don't know me
Don't ignore me
You don't want me there
You just shut me out
You don't know me
Don't ignore me
If you had your way
You'd just shut me up
Make me go away
No i just don't understand why you
Wont talk to me it hurts that i'm
So unwanted for nothing don't
Talk words against me'
Owch.
Never mind. He has his perfect girl. Not exactly, still.
IT feels like I am invisible. Invisible to the world. Okay, wtf am I saying? :p
Self torture it is. Always cursing yourself. And for blaming all your failures on how you look!
But then one day I came across this quote: Love yourself, for if you don't, how can you expect anybody else to love you?
And that was when I realised what was the whole problem. What was wrong was the way I felt for myself. I always thought crap about me. And the more I heard others, I always used to care for what they talked about.
Instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing. Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. Never let anyone take you down.
And the fault always lies within.
All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.
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